I can already feel the rumbles of warning. The terrifying flashes of change. I can see the life raft positioning itself to hug my middle and pull me in.
There was a time I used to be too busy, too stressed, too empty, to see the moon size changes of life scurrying in and out, circling around me like vultures. I didn’t notice, I didn’t feel every bite that was made, I didn’t walk every broken path as things came tumbling down, tumbling down.
But then suddenly life looked different, time moved slowly, my job backed down. And I looked out at the world with a new set of eyes. First excited, relaxed eyes. Then sad, broken ones.
The people I rooted myself in became the life raft. They kept me grounded, they kept me whole until the tidal wave came crashing down. I found myself sitting alone along the shore. Those people in reach but not in the way of a rescue. They had their own lives to live, and the changes came in massive waves. And they kept coming and these people, these anchors of my well being, were riding those waves out and I was stuck.
I asked myself as many questions as there were rays of sun. Am I just a bother to them? Do they want me to leave them alone? Do I matter?
And as the tide came in, I became emerged in more water then I could handle. Just hearing the word change rocked me to my core and sent a shiver through my veins.
As is life,she said when I told her of my fear of being swept out with the crashing waves of all things different. Because ultimately it will happen – a lot and often, for the better and the worse.
I’ll be sad at first. The lonely kind of sad when it feels as if you don’t belong in anyone’s lifeboat. But it will get better, and I’ll heal and more changes will come and rock the boat. As is life, as is life.