A silly little string of words, that held open arms of welcome, sent me into a mood. The kind of mood where you feel like your heart’s swelling and droplets of water might suddenly descend out of the corner of your eyes. That string of words made me feel weak. Nothing seems to bend the right way or move at it’s normal speed. And it makes me feel really backwards, because who gets upset when they are welcomed by someone?
Am I really that terrified of being left out? Alone? Unfit? Do I feel I’m not enough? Not good enough or strong enough or pretty enough?
Let me tell you something: we’ve all been there. Don’t tell me you haven’t because you have and it sucks and we call out every prayer we remember and every promise we refused to make. And we gut ourselves clean and beg for another shot. Because the best we can do is get back up again.
Get. Back. Up.
I’ve let my mind control me, my actions, my emotions…for a long time. I’ve lived and breathed by the thoughts in my head. But I’m learning that it doesn’t have to be that way. That we all get a choice. And even when it feels impossible – it’s us who gets to decide.
Don’t be scared. Don’t doubt the ones who love you and question their every action toward you. Have faith. Believe they want you there, believe they love you because they do. Really, they do. And I know it’s not an easy thing because the friends I love so deeply, the ones who’s door I can show up at – day or night – still sit in the part of me that continues to question and worry and wonder, when am I REALLY in the way?
So take those worries and burdens and fears and throw ’em in the fire. Go ahead, throw them in. Try to let them go up in flames without pulling out the charcoaled objects when the fire burns out and the spark is gone. But know it’s ok if you do collect those black, now foreign objects the first or fifth or tenth time you light that fire. Because you took the first step. You lit the fire. You threw it all in. And one day you won’t reach back in to the shriveled up mess. Those demons will be gone, the fire will have carried them away.