Life can wreck us. It can completely tear us down to bone and then suddenly spring back to life.
The last six months of 2014 tore me to shreds. It wrecked me good into my soul. I questioned every little thing, I doubted, I gained weight, I became self conscious. My fears were stealing my life and I was letting them.
I lost my grandmother in November and without even a single glance, I lost myself. I slipped out the backdoor of my own being when I wasn’t even looking and ran away from the things I knew. Writing these words on paper don’t mean I finally have it all together. In fact, I am still very far from it. I’m grasping at my faith. To trust in a God I have always believed in. To dig deeper into my faith.
A best friend walked away this year, I lost my passion for photography (ironically this notebook is dressed in cameras) and I was watching others follow my dreams. There are tears in my eyes and I honestly couldn’t tell you why. Maybe because I am afraid. Maybe because I failed at what (during one point in my life) I felt I had been called to do. I’ve watched high school friends marry this year. I’ve watched them have babies and get lives.
And I am still here. I’m still stuck and no matter how many excuses fall out of my mouth the truth is really this: We get one life. One. And it is up to us to forge ahead or burry ourselves deep in the woods. Only I can change my story’s ending. Only me. But I have to want to, I have to find a passion within myself to create a life worth living. Emily Ley said, “I will hold myself to a standard of grace not perfection.” I have heard that sentence a hundred times and finally her words rocked me. We can’t be perfect – none of us. We mess up, we breakdown, we quit and get back up again. Give yourself a chance. Fight for YOU. Fight to win your battles and be the person you were meant to be.
This year my word is FOCUS.
Focus on my faith, the almighty Father. Focus on bettering myself as a person, friend, sister, daughter, aunt. Focus on my strength – even on the weakest days and know that I am not alone. Life truly gives us what we can handle – even if we think it might make us crumble in the moment. Focus, focus, focus.
2015 don’t know what’s coming!