There are times when the things we want are so close we can almost touch them.
We can taste the way it would feel to be ours.
We can dream up all the ways in which a perfect world would let them be our own.
He answered. He didn’t say anything significant but what he said…it tore open some long forgotten scar inside of me.
I thought the words out loud to her, “Why am I full of so much pain? I just don’t understand myself. I don’t understand how one little heart could be so permanently broken. And I know you don’t have the answer. I just have to say it out loud to someone so it doesn’t suffocate me. It’s a constant battle in me. It’s a cycle that starts over again and again and again. It’s wrecking me. At night, when I’m driving, when I’m alone.”
The words danced in little blue bubbles again (like I said, I think that’s where I really find myself) and I couldn’t make sense of them. Is letting go or holding on hurting me more? Are few and far between moments enough? Are they enough for me to want to stay? And if they’re not, how will I let them go? How will I part with another piece of my heart that’s walking around out there in the world without my supervision?
And another thing…why am I always ending up in the wrong situations? Ones I know I shouldn’t be in and have the power to remove myself from, but don’t? What is it I’m chasing? What is it I’m looking for? Why do I have so many questions about myself?
Maybe that’s it. Maybe that’s all I’m really looking for. The answer to:
Why do I have so many questions about myself?
Maybe that’s all we’re ever looking for, who is this person inside of me? Made of skin and bones and scraped knees and broken hearts. Who is she and where is she going? Why is it taking so long to get there? And we ask a power greater than us, do you know? Do you know where you’re going…do you need directions? Because I’ll get them for you, backroads and all. I promise my directions will be better than yours and we’ll get there quicker – isn’t that great?
No. That’s not great. If we’re always looking for the backroads and shortcuts, if we always drive with our GPS singing out the next turn and traffic detour, how are we ever going to find ourselves in all the arrows pointing us forward? What about the U-turns and beaten path? What about the adventure of finding who we’re really meant to be by leaving the GPS at home and driving through the traffic and stopping at the yellow lights?
Maybe you get yourself into situations that you know are bad for you. I feel you, I do. But it doesn’t mean we’re bad or we’re sinners or we’re good for nothing people. It means we’re human and we’re finding ourselves one lesson at a time.