staying always gets too hard.

There’s a darkness that encompasses me when my head hits the pillow and some nights, before I close my eyes tiny drops of feeling make themselves known. Because here’s the thing I’ve been thinking about lately: people always leave. Or life moves on and they get busy. Or they promised they would stay but staying got too hard.

Staying always gets too hard.

And the second I feel someone turning for the door I grab on. I hold so tight my hands get blisters, I beg so long my voice gets hoarse. Please stay. Please just this once. I want you to stay.

But staying always gets too hard.

So I close my eyes and I try to sleep but in the darkness follows a slideshow of all the times I tried to hold on, of all the times you chose to let go.

I see the way your eyes looked at mine and begged me to understand. But I don’t have a map for mind reading or a photographic stethoscope to see inside your heart. And when your eyes aren’t staring back at mine I wonder who else gets to see them. Who gets to know the small, important pieces of you on days that I don’t? And that should be enough for me to walk away, to put down the map, to slam the door shut and yell, “I’m never coming back. That’s it, that’s all. I just can’t do this anymore.”

Yet on some level inside all the onion layers of myself I’m saying words that I hope will still bring you back. Because I don’t want you to share your soul or even that carton of Chinese food with someone else…but staying?

Staying always gets too hard.

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