“Isn’t that love sometimes?” The question glowed in a gray bubble across my screen. “It’s like this sick thing we put ourselves through but sometimes we just know in our hearts that for now it’s what makes us light up inside and happy.”
“And we keep holding on for the little perfect moments,” my blue bubble ran back at her.
We were talking about a guy. One I never imagined I’d use the word love along side of. One I’m not sure the word love ever went alongside of in the first place. But there it was. The truth of her words, lodged right in my gut. Threatening to spill out of me at any given moment.
Just because I love someone doesn’t mean i’m in love with them. It just means I’ve given all of me to be the best I can be for them in whatever relationship we may have. I’m the kind of person who can’t let go of people, especially the ones who reach in and grab hold of a piece of my heart. I remember all the little details about them – what makes them squirm, what drink they order, the way their words always seem to be saying goodbye.
That word – it’s like a ghost I can’t get rid of, a shadow of the past. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. It whispers to me in the car, in the wind, into my pillow at night. It steals any comfort, any blanket of security and wrecks me good.
I remember the way he gripped my attention. The way he squeezed his way into my life – through those same blue and gray bubbles on my screen. I was falling 20 stories deep and just trying to survive. It had been a week of darkness I hadn’t been expecting. A week that turned into months and he was still there. He was still showing up on my screen in the dead of the night and pushing me forward when I just needed a friend.
He would call me hon and promise to be there – promise to help me make it out of this thing alive. But I learned about his promises and the way words can fall off a tongue into their own place of darkness.
I grasped tighter, knowing where we were headed. Knowing him and I were never coming out on the same side – knowing we couldn’t. I kept fighting – with myself, with him, with the darkness. I kept wishing I could hear his lips whisper babe one more time or have one last cry on his shoulder. I kept telling myself it couldn’t be anything more than it was. Over and over and over. Nothing more, nothing more.
He isn’t far, he’ll never be gone completely and Ill always be grateful to him for bringing me out of the darkness.
I just wish I didn’t always have to say goodbye.