I couldn’t get out of bed today. I couldn’t sleep. I just tossed and turned and rolled. And I wished with every fiber of my being to just drift off for a while, get some shut eye.
But I couldn’t. I was tired but I was wired and my body couldn’t get on the same page as my brain and so I lay there, wishing. Waves of anxiety took over me. As if they crashed into my blood stream and declared today was a day I would feel out of my mind, riddled with anxiety.
I would know the rational part of it. I could tell the symptoms and the parts I could control. But I couldn’t stop myself from swimming in those waves for a while, bobbing up and down with the current. I couldn’t stop myself from being scared of things only capable of scaring you when you’re weak.
So I sat on the steps of my best friends house but I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t get the words out that I couldn’t get out of bed today and I was anxious over silly things and that all I really wanted to do was cry. I just wanted to cry and let go without explanation.
But here I am. Typing this out on the glow of my computer screen, sitting indian style on my bed, tears streaming down my face. Wishing I could do today over. Hoping my fears are just that: fears. Counting on the darkness to have only come out to play for today and that tomorrow will bring light. Praying my anxiety will subside and the rational being that I am will be back in the morning. Because morning always comes. It always comes.