“My bed is still empty.” I typed across the screen. “I don’t even know what that means, but it’s still empty.”
Tears had been threatening all day. I’d only let a few escape, but sucked the sobbs back down my throat. Two breaths in, three breaths out. I can do this.
The light will go out some days and the tunnel will be dark. It won’t get shorter, it won’t disappear; it will just wait for the light to go back on again so that we can continue our course.
“It doesn’t have to be full”, she typed back. And I thought, not of the things I’m wishing for.
The light can only stay lit for so long, eventually the darkness has to come: to teach us lessons, to batten down the hatch of our hearts, to remind us why we need the light in the first place. So when the candle gets blown out, or the switch gets flicked or the fuzz of the out of order tv burns out, remember the darkness has to come. It has to.
I want more. I want the passenger’s seat in your truck to be mine. I want to cup your face with my hands. I want to grab your hand and hold it forever. I want you to look at me with those teasing eyes that always get me to smile. I want you to call me on your way home and tell me about your day. I want to wear your too-big-for-me sweatshirts in the winter and breathe in your scent. I want to climb into your lap and bury my face into your neck. I want you to hold me. I want what I can’t have, what I can never have. I want all the things this world keeps ripping away from me. I want one of the good ones.
When is it my turn? I keep throwing my hands up at God and asking Him, When is it my turn? He keeps throwing me obstacles, He keeps teaching me lessons. And I’m getting impatient and I’m losing hope that my turn isn’t ever going to come. But, GOD. Of course, He has a plan. Of course, He’s got it all figured out and I am supposed to be obedient and patient and trust in His timing. But ya’ll it’s HARD.
I know when to quit. I know when the odds are against me and when to walk away. I know when I’m fighting a losing battle and I’m never going to come out on top.
I know when my heart is trying to overpower my mind. I know when it’s trying to spit out any logical explanation to why of-course-my-feelings-know-better is true.
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